WCW – Word Crush Wednesday
Teach me how to love…
There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit:…
Some years ago, pre nuptials and pre babies, someone close to me asked, “Do you ever pray for a husband?” Feeling cornered in my emotions, I immediately resorted to what I knew best, a highly religious answer. I think I said something to the effect of, “Nah, when God is ready for me to have one He’ll send me one.” Truth is, I was as lonely as a grizzly bear awake in the winter.
When it came to the big two, questions that is, “When are you getting married or girl, when are you gonna have some babies?”, masking was an art for me. My follow-up was almost always a, “When I slow down from work or when I have time for a man, I will…” Work wasn’t an issue and I most certainly was longing for companionship. I knew and could quote every scripture there was about God being our everything, but the nights were still tough. I still crushed when I saw a cute couple holding hands or trading kisses while waiting in line at the grocery store. I still gushed when I spotted a new mommy toting around her precious bundle in her brand her baby carrier. Work hard and play hard was my go to mantra. But there I was, about to enter my 30’s, overworked, overplayed, and underjoyed.
How could someone who loved God so much lay down to sleep so dissatisfied at night? Simple. I loved who I read God to be but I hadn’t yet fallen in love with Him. I once heard a minister say, “When you truly ‘know’ God, the night becomes a lover”. I couldn’t grasp that at that moment because I sure didn’t feel God physically hugging me in my sheets at night. I got on my knees and tried my best to fill the heavens with my prayers every night, but my bed was still empty. The night was not loving me. What was my problem?
See, I’d prided myself on keeping my body holy for years, but deep down I was still dealing with some deeply dense spiritual concerns–daddy issues, unforgiveness, disappointment, insecurity, the list goes on. Getting a man wasn’t the problem. Loving him was. Every man I encountered became my personal pinboard for comparing and pinning my problems. He’s seems like a runner. Nope, can’t court him. He might abandon me. God knows I can’t take anymore abandonment. My father broke me enough in that area. Each man was a ‘he’s this’ or a ‘he’s that’. All of them, which weren’t many, were worthy but none of them could fix me.
After having a discussion with a Christian co-worker of the opposite sex, I was forced to finally admit I was broken. My cover-up was classy but my insides were trashy. I was a cute-faced benevolent ball of disorder. But, I was in the perfect position for God to mend me. My prayers transitioned from God forgive me, to Lord, I forgive my father and every other person who’s ever hurt me or brought me disappointment. From Lord, send the right man, to Lord, teach me how to love You–the first man in my life. Forgive me of the hurts I’ve caused others. Free me from regret. Lord, renovate me! Make me anew. Needless to say, my pillows took tear baths for weeks. That broken little girl was becoming a woman–a woman in Christ. God was wooing me through my transition and our courtship evolved from me seeing this great comforter in print to experiencing Him. My nights we no longer lonesome but filled with the truest contentment.
I learned how to love God and He taught me how to love myself.
Then I became a wife…